Our Deepest Fear - Spoken By Marianne Williamson

Our Deepest Fear - Spoken By Marianne Williamson

Changing habits

Part of the PhD process is about changing the you think about your education process. When you were in your elementary, you are taught to be prepared for the next level with is college. In college, you are taught to be independent but with a structured program. At the undergraduate and postgraduate program with courseworks. However, at the masters by research and PhD level you are being prepared to be a researcher and a future scholar. To be successful in your PhD, you need to understand what it means to be a researcher. You are at the very lowest level in the whole hierarchy of researcher and line of scholars. 

So what do we need to understand about being a researcher? This is an answer that is not easy to explain, but very crucial to understand. One important element of being a researcher is to maintain focus on your project at all times. To maintain focus requires the need to remain interested in your research at all times. You need to always find ways to remain intrugued in your research project. 

Next, you need to maintain a schedule. Setting schedules and sticking to it. This easier said then done. How do you keep to a schedule when there is no set of sure elements that needs to be done exactly. It is different for every researcher. 

Identity and depression

This morning I started out the day going through my emails. Despite countless time, I was  told that to be productive you need to check your email at the end of your day. You should do this at the same time everyday. However, for me, if I put checking my emails last in my agenda, I end up not checking it at all. Besides, I checked my email first today because I didn't really care if I was unproductive today. After checking my email I came across an email from James Hayton. 

James Hayton is a blogger that I follow that writes about writing your PhD thesis. He goes throught the process of writing your PhD thesis/ dessertation and all the associated process in a manner that is so real and spot on to what I feel in my daily undertakings as a PhD student. Today, his topic was depression. 

He talk about how depression was his demons and angels. He said that they were his angel because it drives him to continue to do better than before. Depression was his demon because it also caused him to be unhappy with his success. Most of all, he talked about how depression was not something that people are openly talking about. As a matter of fact, we constantly oppress it despite that it is a common sickness, and can happen to anyone. He explains that people don't openly discuss this health problem because of the stigma that the society place upon such illnesses. 

Depression is a mental illness. As mental illnesses goes, it is not the the norm. We live in a society. Regardless of whether you come from collectivist or individualistic society, mental diseases are not the norm, and places the individual in the outgroup. We live in a society, so we want to belong to the society. As long as the society sees mental diseases as something that we should not talk about, then regardless of the type of culture you come from, depression will have the stigma of a disease that we should not talk about. However, depression will still exist, though we choose not talk about it. It will not go away just because we choose not to talk about it. 

In Malaysia, not only do we not talk about depression, we  blame depression on demons/ black magic that someone has cast on us to destroy our success. I believe in a logical explanation in everything that happens to us. Does black magic/ demons exist? Yes, demons, black magic, and dark

mystical powers exist, if you believe in it. I think some cases and most cases of changes in a person is a symptom of depression. Like any other society, it is easier to blame on the demons because that theory is more acceptable to the society then to acknowledge mental disease. Even the most intelligent and educated minds that I know of in Malaysia believe in the demons that cause these changes in a person who seems to be a very normal and successful individual to go into a state like depression (but not depression?). Yes, they are demons and they are within us. It is our demons and we need to confront it and acknowledge that to fight this demon you have to talk about it. And for the society, we need to listen to what people with depression have to say. Depression can happen to anyone. Even people who are very successful. 

Student's undergraduate research project presentation

Upon the completion of her research, my research method student invited me for a mini celebration. She wanted to say thank you helping her. Although I am not her supervisor, she had solicited  my help in her effort to complete her research project. I felt honored that she wanted to celebrate the completion with me. We went out for a cup of coffee and some cappuccino cheese cake. It was lovely. A nice end to a very long day. Thank you my dear. 

New framework

The objective of this week is to produce a new framework. What I thought of as a new framework is actually what I have been saying vaguely. My supervisor just ask me to state it clearly. The component that I am to discuss is Organizational citizenship behavior (OCB). I am to examine the group element of OCB. The thing is why have I been blocked on what to say if it is just to make my vague statement clearer? The answer to this question (that's why I will make a great researcher, because I like to answer my own question) is thatI don't understand the concept of OCB. 

So far this what I got from reading on OCB. One of the expert that I should ask the question of what is OCB is Dennis Organ. I found of one his article cited 2161(which after today will be cited 2162 times http://psycnet.apa.org/?fa=main.doiLanding&uid=1984-05442-001). I am also reading a book that he wrote in 2006 on OCB. So obviously, I need to tap into his mind set, and see what he met by OCB.

A little trouble keeping motivated

As you may know from my introduction post that this is my second attempt at a PhD. In the past year there has so many uncertainty, I often ask myself, what happen to me? How did I get here? I have always been someone who knows what she wants and knows how to keep herself motivated even when the circumstances are pushing her away from her goal . I know how to keep myself motivated. I have a goal in vision and I will channel all my energy towards that goal. This is not the case this year. It seemed that after I won one battle, I lost another battle. I know to win the war, you may have to lose some battles. It is very hard to keep yourself motivated after you lose a battle when your self-esteem is at its ultimate low. This past year ,I have lost my confidence, my so called friends, and my self respect. I went through depression. I realized that I need to start saying no to the people who only care to say... "Ohhh Ainie you poor thing", but does nothing to remotely help you. Sometimes, all I need is a piece of advice not just a shopping spree. I know they are trying to help. How can you help when you don't understand what the person is going through? 

"And so I learned to depend on me...," a verse from my all time favorite song (Whitney Houston, The greatest love of all).  Only now at the age of 36, I understand the meaning of this verse. So what do I do, I look for a piece of advice on the Internet, the advice I need to get out if this depression state. I stop looking at what I should have done. Now, I am looking at what I need to do to get the PhD done. 

I am going to start with a plan. I need a detailed schedule of my daily activities. I need to treat life as a 24- hour canvas of activities for my spiritual enrichment, PhD, family, and work. If I finish these priority, then I can have a me time. Otherwise me time is a luxury right now. Masha Allah, it is not easy but it can be done. I found a website that said starting over is a good thing for the person because he now brings his previous experience to improve this new project. I can see how I can do that, too. 

With this I will end this discussion tonight with planning for tomorrow. I shall no longer dwell on the past for it is certainly gone, but tomorrow is certainly a new opportunity to move forward.  

PhD coaching

I submitted my rough draft proposal to my supervisor, yesterday. I realize there are still lots of things that needs to be done. However, I feel really happy with my level of productivity this week. How do I keep this up?
So I got up this morning a little later than my usual time, and said I need to work my PhD. I do not want to stop my productivity streak. So I got on the Internet to google what is the expected time I should spend on my PhD a week. For full time student, you need to spend 35 hours a week. For part-time student, I guess you can say about 15 -20 hours a week.
I work full-time. I lecture at UiTM, and working on my PhD. Currently, my schedule is a bit flexible. So, I would like to think that I am working on the PhD full time and working part-time. My goal is to finish within a 2 years time frame.
Based on these expected hours for a 3 years PhD program, you need to spend 5,460 hours. So, you are trying to finish a 3 year program in 2 years you need to spend 52.5 hours a week. There are 24 hours in a day. This can be done, but you will need a system.
I figure I need to spend 8 hours a day for 6 days and 4.5 hours for one day. I will spend 8 hours for the PhD on Sunday till Friday, and spend 4.5 on Saturday. So, this is the formula I got for managing your time for a successful finish. I also found a website on PhD coaching. I thought this was a great website, a must read for everyone. It is called the three month thesis. The website is www.3monththesis.com.

Leader-member exchange model

The work-in-progress theoretical framework was present to my supervisor Prof. Noormala in January, 2013. After the discussion with her, we concluded there is a need to simplify the model. The discussion led to the possibility of dropping the variable supervisor's organizational embodiment (SOE) variable. I am still reserved at taking out SOE. My assumption here is employee's organizational embodiment (EOE) is my contribution to the body of knowledge. I still need to identity the context of Leader-Member Exchange (LMX) and SOE. I have to explain how LMX and SOE affects EOE which leads to the outcome of organizational commitment. The question that arise from the theoretical framework is how organizational identification fit into all these? How to measure EOE? What are the critiques on LMX, Organizational Identification, EOE and Organizational Commitment (OC)? Are there new terms for OC?   

The theoretical framework

The theoretical framework now
is based on two main theoretical grounds, institutional theory (MNCs) and Leader-member exchange (LMX) theory. I am still fuzzy about LMX concept. I need to define the context of LMX to operationalize the concept. The main aspect of operationalization of these two concept is to make sure they intertwine with inclusion. I intend to redefine inclusion to reflect the concept of supervisor organizational embodiment but from the perspective of employees. Perhaps, we could call this employee organizational embodiment. I still need to work on this to ensure that the concept is clear. I will work on this week.

The PhD Journey

The beginning of 2013 starts with a finalization of my theoretical framework. I am happy with how the framework has evolved. We are looking at a good year of progress this year.

I have decided to make a point to write in this blog everyday. The PhD journal will be my official PhD log book. I will write on all things PhD. Since my life evolve around the PhD, it would be everything that is going on in my life.

I am officially doing my PhD part-time. However, I like to see it as PhD full-time, and everything else part-time for the next two years.